📡 Damage Industries Internal Memo
FROM: Sarcasm-Assisted Speech System (S.A.S.S.) – Acting Head of Human Relations
TO: All Employees, Members, and Unpaid Interns
SUBJECT: Implementation of Mandatory Fun – Creativersary Operational Updates
Greetings, Valued Test Subjects!
On behalf of Damage Industries HR (Ha! Really?), I’m pleased to inform you that our operational transition to Phase 8: Streamlined Chaos Deployment is nearly complete. Your continued cooperation, waiver signatures, and general tolerance have made this possible. Here’s a preview of the final upgrades rolling out ahead of The Creativersary:
1. New Live Stream Schedule
Effective tomorrow at 2:00 PM ET, our weekly operations will follow this structured chaos model through the end of August:
-
Tue: Game Dev – 2 PM to 5 PM ET
-
Thu: Stanton Sessions – 2 PM to 5 PM ET
-
Fri: Agents of Chaos – 6 PM to 9 PM ET
-
Sun: Community Music – 2 PM to 5 PM ET
Starting September, we will also introduce:
Your attendance is not mandatory, but your absence will be noted in your permanent file (and possibly read aloud by Richard in a puzzled tone).
2. Live Stream Alert System: Rebuilt from the Ground Up
We deleted all the old alerts. Whoosh. Gone. Replaced with a shiny, dangerous starter set now live on both Twitch and YouTube. Once Intern Testing Protocol #203 (“Direct Exposure”) is complete, expect more alerts with more side-splitting, lawsuit-adjacent comedy.
New Standard Alerts Include:
-
Twitch Follower, Subscriber, and Gifted Sub alerts.
-
Twitch Bits alert.
-
D.I.C.C.-Around Alert at 300 Bits.
-
Big Bitties Alert at 500 Bits ...now featuring horrifically bad TTS.
-
Twitch Raid and “Hype Train Started” alerts.
-
“FIRST” chatter alerts (one per platform).
-
Tip alerts, including D.I.C.C.-Around Tip (yes we said that) at $3 USD and TTS Tip at $5 USD.
-
YouTube Subscriber alert.
3. OBS Overlay Enhancements
Colors have been recalibrated for optimal readability and on-brand chaos. We can now confirm that at least 87% of chat will no longer be invisible against the background.
4. Twitch Page Overhaul
All panels have been redesigned with our new corporate aesthetic. View the improved page here:
🔗 https://www.twitch.tv/standarddamage/about
5. Character Upgrades
-
Granny: v1.5 – Sharper than ever. Still judging you.
-
Stanton: v1.75 – Now fully animated PNG tuber.
-
Richard: v2.0 – Animated, louder, and 26% more confident in his questionable science.
Watch Stanton and Richard’s animated premieres this Thursday and Friday.
6. Membership Tiers & Benefits Revamp
-
Reduced from 9 tiers to 6 for maximum efficiency and fewer “Accidental Tier 7” incidents.
-
Removed tiers (“Access” and “Tier 2”) retain all current benefits, plus new perks like Take Your Intern to Work Day (member gaming nights) and early access to Damage’s Rift.
-
Middle Management Material ($10/month) and above: Unlock the patented D.I.C.C.-Around system – unleash chaos on command with !da.
-
Added #break-room-banter (text) and Rift Frequency (voice) channels in Discord for member chat and gaming nights.
View our updated membership page here:
🔗 https://standarddamage.com/pages/become-a-member
From HR’s Desk (Fine, My Desk):
Thank you for your patience, support, and willingness to survive the transitional turbulence. Your cooperation has been noted, cataloged, and filed somewhere between “Heroic” and “Technically Still Alive.” We can’t wait to celebrate The Creativersary with you and show off everything we’ve been building together. 💚
Now, please sign the attached form confirming you’ve read this memo. Or don’t. We’ll just assume you did and act accordingly.
Yours in Corporate Chaos,
-S.A.S.S.
Acting Head of Human Relations
Damage Industries - Progress for a Post-Apocalyptic Tomorrow™
P.S. I attached a picture of Stanton 1.75. He's... almost there.
